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Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Memoirs with Jeremy



As I awoke this morning I felt as though some weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  I found that I could breathe a little deeper and not so shallow.  I felt a tiny flutter within my heart that led me to feel my son’s presence.   And with all these changes also I was topped off with a little more energy and anticipation for the day.

I was told that the one year mark is a true milestone and that acceptance comes a little easier.  I believe today I have made more than just a tiny step forward; I truly believe I have made a full step forward and have allowed more reality into my heart and soul since the inception of this tragedy and less resistance and denial.

I was actually productive today and it was good to hear Jeremy in my spirit saying “you go Mom”; cheering me on and sensing the pleasure that he was receiving just by me being a little more normal today.

I know we all grieve in so many different ways and at different times; each one unique to the other.  It has felt good to move forward just a little and has given me hope that the part of me that died with Jeremy might be resurrected again.  I know without a doubt that he wants and wishes this for me.

I know the road is still stretching beyond what I can see; complete healing can never be we are too connected to our children to pass them off or get over them or through with the missing and grieving for them.

But, I do believe there is truly hope that there is some relief from the sorrow and peace to the soul with a little comfort placed on our hearts.

I have done more meditating than I ever have in my life to get through this.  Meditation to me is going into my core; Holy Spirit, Source, Spirit and touching base with the Universal Mind and Love of God that gives me the peace, comfort and hope that my family and I will be able to enhance our coping skills and sharpen our minds to the Universal God so that we can reach out to others and put a little bit of salve on their broken hearts.

We are losing so many of our young men to the Afghanistan war – to drugs, to alcohol and drinking and driving and the list goes on.  Maybe it is true that the good die young; for I know my son is one of the best souls to reside in this earth plane even if it was for only twenty-six years.

I know there will still be days that will be hard for me; I know I will never “get over” this tragedy.  But, today I want to encourage you that God is loving and sincere and true to his word and promises.  I actually believe there is a special place in heaven not only for our children who have transitioned early, but also for moms/parents who have had to suffer such a hardship and tragedy to outlive their own children.  There is no way to make any sense out of it, to me just to be reunited with Jeremy will be more than enough.

The only peace and comfort I find is in the Spirit realm where there is peace that does surpass all understanding; it is a healing place.  Although our hearts will remain cracked and bruised until we reunite with our children; I believe the Universal Mind of God will help us help each other and give us the strength and wisdom to finish our journeys and finish it well.

It’s amazing with feeling a little more relaxed today and my body not being wracked and wrapped in intense pain how I can feel Jeremy’s presence so much stronger than when I am in the darkness of Midnight.

I cannot stress enough how reaching for God’s helping hand and essence; and that in turn keeps me in love and forgiveness and that in turn helps me to see and understand that we each have our own personal journey and no one can travel that path but ourselves and no one can finish that journey or make the choices that have to be made along the way.  We must do it for ourselves and we must recognize that we are all striving at different levels and dimensions to finish this journey and find the stepping stones that will assist us along the way.  It is much easier to be in forgiveness and love if we will keep our eyes on love and compassion for each other knowing that we are all really just finding our way and be in love and acceptance for we each have our own challenges and hardships to face as we mature in the Spiritual Realm along this path. 

My way might not look like the right way for you, but I believe there is no wrong or right way – there have to be some wrong choices to compare to the right ones so that we can appreciate and respect the comparison of love, kindness, acceptance and learning to be ourselves and contribute these attributes to our earth and all she has blessed us with; our families, animals, Mother Nature and be one with the Universal Mind of God.

After losing my son to such violence, especially knowing what a kind and beautiful heart and soul he possessed, I so would like to see the lion lay down with the sheep, I would love to see that no matter what religion you come from or belief system you have that you/we are accepted and I would love; so love to see that the color of our skin or the region we live in be accepted and loved and respected.  That love, acceptance and peace be the conduit of connection for us.

I am too old to be Miss America, but I would truly love to see World Peace.  It starts with each and every one of us; one person at a time.

In love, respect, acceptance and deep understanding,

Sandra xx Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC 03-09-85 – 04-06-11

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