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Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Memoirs with Jeremy


Valentine’s Day kicked my rear; holidays always do; especially the day after.  It is as though I get myself armored for the actual holiday and then the next day it takes a toll on me.  Jeremy has been saying all day that “it’s gonna be okay, Mom”.  It doesn’t matter what we do as parents we have to prepare for the fact that we will always miss them each and every minute of each and every day of each and every year.  I am not mad at God, I am not mad at Jeremy and I am not mad at the military.  But I am tired; it’s exhausting trying to stay on top of this monumental tragedy.

So, I take charge of my mind and I do not let my thoughts begin their manifestations in my mind; which keeps me in control instead of my mind running downhill like a freight train about to run into a brick wall and collapse into zillion of pieces.

I from my heart and soul am so appreciative that I have my friends and family; not forgetting my four pawed kids.  It is amazing how much company they are and how they do their best to take care of me.  Gabriel gives the best of hugs and I can almost feel Jeremy’s energy permeate through his body.  Ellie lies on my heart as if to keep it from breaking anymore.  They are without a doubt very healing for me.

Yes, it has been a hard day and I expect there will be many for the rest of my life, however; I took charge over my mind and thoughts and from my soul gave my mantra of thanks to God for what I have had and do have including my twenty-six years with Jeremy and I then distract myself.  I admit there are days that sleeping is my best distraction and it does help me to be stronger on harder days due to this taking as much energy as it does to do it like a champion.  I liken it to a mental and emotional marathon.

I have also had to take care of personal business and as you know that can be so overwhelming and sometimes impossible to do.  However; in learning to not let my mind be in the driver’s seat I am clearer with all my personal matters now.

Making decisions and choices means you are conscious, aware and making right choices mean your soul is awakened enough to make the appropriate choice.  I try to be very sure I am not rushing through decisions therefore making choices due to the pain; doubt or worry and that I come from my core with clarity making choices regarding my life.

I ask myself “are you present in this choice, in the moment, do you actually have presence of mind”?  Is your mind in the driver’s seat and am I managing my affairs and using my mind as a tool.  I know if I am in the mindset of letting my emotions run away with me how overwhelming the smallest of decisions can be and then I am not in control of my decisions and that can obviously cause more suffering and pain.

Being conscious and in the Now is being fully present in your body and being aware of everything around you. I know I said at first that I didn’t want to be in this body it hurt too much; there was too much pain.  So much so I wanted to be out of my skin.  But, when the realization of being fully present empowers you then you totally and completely know the difference of letting you, the you inside of you at your soul level, run your business and affairs and not let your mind make you jump off the next high building.  Being in the now gives you the glimpse of the Spirit that resides within us and helps us understand the entire Universal Mind of Consciousness; the Spirit of God.

Just as the experiments in the labs performed at Chopra’s Center our energy is not affected by time and space; time is irrelevant because this is the moment for us to live in – not just the past moment or the next, the past or the future, but the Now – that is the Universal Consciousness; being one with the Universal Mind of God.

Letting your mind just run away with things that happened days ago, weeks ago and even years ago is such a waste of time and energy.  If someone insults or hurts me; it is a waste of energy to let my mind run with it; handle it and go on yes, but not let it go over and over in my head.

Our plates are so full with our tragedy and it takes every drop of energy I have to get through a day; I am literally in bed by 6:00 p.m. nearly every evening, even if it is just to watch the news, but exhaustion sets in and I need all the rest I can muster.  Not to mention the nights that my mind has robbed me of the rest I have needed.  For me this has been a very valuable tool in recognizing when my mind is in control versus when I am in the driver’s seat.

Please know this is not a remedy that will fix your broken heart; it is just a format in taking the driver’s seat of your mind so that you can be in control of where to go with your emotions and thoughts.  I know I much rather think of the good times with Jeremy and spend more time celebrating his life and keeping his memory alive for as long as I can; and I will…… for me he never has truly left and never will.  I love the connection I have with him, but it wasn’t until he could reach me that we could connect.  The light dispels the darkness, but I had to let the Sonshine light dispel the Midnight; then we began our nonphysical spiritual journey.  I still miss the realm of our physical life together on earth, but as Jeremy has stated “Nothing’s gonna change, Mom”, two choices – I have chosen the light.

In love and understanding – from the depth of my soul,

Sandra xx






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