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Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Memoirs with Jeremy

I have realized that I am not finding a more enlightened path regarding my spiritual journey just because I am suffering.  In fact, when I hit the wall and go into that terrifying dark place, Midnight, it is as though that nothing can touch me but darkness, but if I reach out spiritually and go toward the light and let myself be led by the light then the cloth of darkness leaves me.  It is not because I suffer that God is blessing me with visits from Jeremy it is because I choose light over darkness.  I am in process of realizing that it also is not that I resist the darkness and the dark cloud of the tragedy my family and I face; it is not resisting or denying; it is the acceptance of letting the light shine through the core of my soul that I find any relief. 

In the beginning there was a lot of denial and much resistance in accepting the fact that Jeremy was not coming home, therefore much tormenting anguish and grief.  I am now using even a different terminology to his passing and I prefer to see it as a transition because truly that is exactly what it is; my son has transitioned into another dimension and spiritually I see it as a thin veil as though he is but a breath away.

The connection I am learning that I have with him is also something I have feared that I will lose over the course of time.  But I believe the connection between mother and son is immutable and I have nothing to fear in that one day he will just not be “in touch” with me.  I have some research to do on this and was told of a book that makes much sense to me in the fact that we are family and share the same DNA and it gives me an idea that there is no way to change that energy, vibration or the “DNA” and we will forever be connected.

It is not as though Jeremy is “living” with me at all times yet I know and feel the connection so strongly that it is as if he has just moved across town.  Since I have had the visual of the coin and know that there are the two sides of the coin to choose from and have made the choice of light; that I now call “heads”, the resistance and denial is beginning to fade more each day and the torment and agony that the “tails” side of the coin; the darkness, is as simple as just saying no I do not choose darkness (tails) I choose light (heads).  In case you didn’t read my journal prior to this one my son said to me that regardless the route I take because of my grief; there are only two choices; and it doesn’t matter the choice I do make that “nothing is going to change” – it was at that point I visualized a quarter and one side was light and the other side was midnight.  I cannot bear going into midnight again, it is so terrorizing and tormenting and it was an easy decision for me to decide to let the pain go and accept some relief and healing.

It is as if my connection with Jeremy has become even more sacred; we were very close before and I referred to Jeremy, my daughter and myself as the three musketeers on many occasions, it was a great life the three of us, but it has drastically changed and forever will impact our lives, but my daughter and I are searching, seeking and willing to find a “new normal” for our family and Jeremy is being our guardian angel and letting us know he is and will forever be a part of us.

Finding a new normal is incomprehensible in the throes of learning that your child has gone before you, yet the acceptance I am referring to is because I knew that I could not endure this kind of pain any longer, it was literally going to cause me severe health issues that would ultimately result in my death; whether that be two years or ten, still the agony was very much taking a toll on me not just mentally and emotionally but was beginning to manifest itself physically. 

I speak of choices and light yet it is difficult to convey what you experience spiritually because there are no earthly words or terminology for the spiritual realm.  The choice of light and darkness; one side of the coin or the other is simply not letting my mind take control of what triggers me.   I have had triggers that could throw me into despair and terror, I now instead of letting my mind take me further into what triggered a memory and cause me great pain; I make a strong yet non-resistant choice of choosing another thought or distraction.  Again, this is not denial it is a form of acceptance which brings relief and peace instead of the dreaded terror that is paralyzing on the other side of the coin; it is truly the peace that surpasses all understanding.

My mind has tried to create a sense of guilt that I am not drowning in my own sorrow; it has tried to make me feel as though if I don’t suffer I am being a selfish person.  I am after all Jeremy’s mom and my mind tells me I should be tormented for the rest of my life; yet Jeremy tells me that it is of great concern to him for me to suffer and that he wants me to not only stay in midnight now, but to not even go there.  Jeremy wants me to have peace and joy in life and he wishes the same for his friends and entire family.

I had an epiphany one morning as soon as I opened my eyes that my son was hurting to see me in such pain.  As his mom and as a parent yourself I know you identify, I sure am not going to do anything to cause him pain; it was at that point a few months back that I started pulling myself from the depths of hell.

I do not accept or identify with what my mind tells me; I am on to that now.  Does this change the fact that there is a huge gap in my heart and life?  No, certainly it doesn’t nor does it change the fact I miss Jeremy in the physical realm so very much.  But as Jeremy has said, “there is no changing this and you have two choices”.  I have chosen the lighted path and it is not an easy route.  It is much easier to give into the pain and the torment and just go to bed and sleep until the “Second Coming”.  But that only increases the pain and actually creates more pain; it is as though the pain and anguish when given into actually just fuels more pain and anguish.

I do not resist nor do I deny that my heart is broken; I just do not let my mind take me down dark paths that crush and torment me.  I let my heart and soul lead me and although the sadness of not having Jeremy with me is heartbreaking; I can be strong and say no to my mind that would torment and bring me more anguish each day and night.  Yet, when led by my heart and accept to be led at my soul level it is as though peace is my blanket and that Jeremy is just a thin veil away.

I refuse to let my mind take the peace and the enlightenment from me or hinder me in any way in finding my stepping stones on the path of what is now remaining of my journey.  I know this path is lighted and the Spirit is guiding me and my son is with me and have felt him lovingly hold my hand so that I don’t fall victim to my own mind.

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx

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