I have realized that
I am not finding a more enlightened path regarding my spiritual journey just because
I am suffering. In fact, when I hit the
wall and go into that terrifying dark place, Midnight, it is as though that
nothing can touch me but darkness, but if I reach out spiritually and go toward
the light and let myself be led by the light then the cloth of darkness leaves
me. It is not because I suffer that God
is blessing me with visits from Jeremy it is because I choose light over darkness. I am in process of realizing that it also is
not that I resist the darkness and the dark cloud of the tragedy my family and
I face; it is not resisting or denying; it is the acceptance of letting the
light shine through the core of my soul that I find any relief.
In the beginning
there was a lot of denial and much resistance in accepting the fact that Jeremy
was not coming home, therefore much tormenting anguish and grief. I am now using even a different terminology
to his passing and I prefer to see it as a transition because truly that is
exactly what it is; my son has transitioned into another dimension and
spiritually I see it as a thin veil as though he is but a breath away.
The connection I am
learning that I have with him is also something I have feared that I will lose
over the course of time. But I believe
the connection between mother and son is immutable and I have nothing to fear
in that one day he will just not be “in touch” with me. I have some research to do on this and was
told of a book that makes much sense to me in the fact that we are family and
share the same DNA and it gives me an idea that there is no way to change that
energy, vibration or the “DNA” and we will forever be connected.
It is not as though
Jeremy is “living” with me at all times yet I know and feel the connection so
strongly that it is as if he has just moved across town. Since I have had the visual of the coin and
know that there are the two sides of the coin to choose from and have made the
choice of light; that I now call “heads”, the resistance and denial is beginning
to fade more each day and the torment and agony that the “tails” side of the
coin; the darkness, is as simple as just saying no I do not choose darkness
(tails) I choose light (heads). In case
you didn’t read my journal prior to this one my son said to me that regardless
the route I take because of my grief; there are only two choices; and it doesn’t
matter the choice I do make that “nothing is going to change” – it was at that
point I visualized a quarter and one side was light and the other side was
midnight. I cannot bear going into
midnight again, it is so terrorizing and tormenting and it was an easy decision
for me to decide to let the pain go and accept some relief and healing.
It is as if my
connection with Jeremy has become even more sacred; we were very close before
and I referred to Jeremy, my daughter and myself as the three musketeers on
many occasions, it was a great life the three of us, but it has drastically
changed and forever will impact our lives, but my daughter and I are searching,
seeking and willing to find a “new normal” for our family and Jeremy is being
our guardian angel and letting us know he is and will forever be a part of us.
Finding a new normal
is incomprehensible in the throes of learning that your child has gone before
you, yet the acceptance I am referring to is because I knew that I could not
endure this kind of pain any longer, it was literally going to cause me severe
health issues that would ultimately result in my death; whether that be two
years or ten, still the agony was very much taking a toll on me not just
mentally and emotionally but was beginning to manifest itself physically.
I speak of choices
and light yet it is difficult to convey what you experience spiritually because
there are no earthly words or terminology for the spiritual realm. The choice of light and darkness; one side of
the coin or the other is simply not letting my mind take control of what
triggers me. I have had triggers that could throw me into
despair and terror, I now instead of letting my mind take me further into what
triggered a memory and cause me great pain; I make a strong yet non-resistant
choice of choosing another thought or distraction. Again, this is not denial it is a form of
acceptance which brings relief and peace instead of the dreaded terror that is
paralyzing on the other side of the coin; it is truly the peace that surpasses
all understanding.
My mind has tried to
create a sense of guilt that I am not drowning in my own sorrow; it has tried
to make me feel as though if I don’t suffer I am being a selfish person. I am after all Jeremy’s mom and my mind tells
me I should be tormented for the rest of my life; yet Jeremy tells me that it
is of great concern to him for me to suffer and that he wants me to not only
stay in midnight now, but to not even go there.
Jeremy wants me to have peace and joy in life and he wishes the same for
his friends and entire family.
I had an epiphany one
morning as soon as I opened my eyes that my son was hurting to see me in such
pain. As his mom and as a parent
yourself I know you identify, I sure am not going to do anything to cause him
pain; it was at that point a few months back that I started pulling myself from
the depths of hell.
I do not accept or
identify with what my mind tells me; I am on to that now. Does this change the fact that there is a
huge gap in my heart and life? No,
certainly it doesn’t nor does it change the fact I miss Jeremy in the physical
realm so very much. But as Jeremy has
said, “there is no changing this and you have two choices”. I have chosen the lighted path and it is not
an easy route. It is much easier to give
into the pain and the torment and just go to bed and sleep until the “Second
Coming”. But that only increases the
pain and actually creates more pain; it is as though the pain and anguish when
given into actually just fuels more pain and anguish.
I do not resist nor
do I deny that my heart is broken; I just do not let my mind take me down dark
paths that crush and torment me. I let
my heart and soul lead me and although the sadness of not having Jeremy with me
is heartbreaking; I can be strong and say no to my mind that would torment and
bring me more anguish each day and night.
Yet, when led by my heart and accept to be led at my soul level it is as
though peace is my blanket and that Jeremy is just a thin veil away.
I refuse to let my
mind take the peace and the enlightenment from me or hinder me in any way in finding
my stepping stones on the path of what is now remaining of my journey. I know this path is lighted and the Spirit is
guiding me and my son is with me and have felt him lovingly hold my hand so
that I don’t fall victim to my own mind.
In love and
understanding,
Sandra xx
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