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Sunday, February 5, 2012

Memoirs with Jeremy



It’s a cloudy winter’s day in Texas, however; the squirrels are at play and cardinals are chirping and singing their song.  I just came in from putting out food for my backyard friends and was amazed at how many birds there were.  There are many more of my winged friends this year then I have seen in the past wintry season.

As I was feeding my backyard friends I actually felt a gleeful moment because I was so thankful for them and love that they take residency with me.  Yesterday I watched two squirrels hugging up to each other and it looked as though they were a “couple”.

I can breathe, I can enjoy my feathery friends and I can say from my heart today “thank you for this day”.  It’s the first time since April that I have even cared there was another day and here I am only ten months later and I am enjoying the songs of my winged friends.  I don’t say this lightly due to the fact I wasn’t sure I would even live through our family tragedy of losing Jeremy.

But, on with my morning for I have a revelation to share.  I am having coffee “with Jeremy” this morning and actually heard his deep voice saying “I want to have coffee with you”, with the emphasis on you as in me, his mom.  It occurred to me that it was awesome he chose to spend this time with me today, but why the emphasis, I began to ask myself.

Here are my thoughts and my questions.  I have had a running list of household items that needed to be repaired and some of those Jeremy had said that he would get to them when he could.  I started thinking of the items he said he would either repair or construct and to my amazement they have all been done and by people who “just happened” to come into my life since April.

Jeremy was so busy before he left for Afghanistan with preparation, cramming as much time into his college courses and trying to spend time with family and friends that there was barely a moment to even have a cup of coffee.  Now, my question is this, knowing how much it meant to me for him to sit with me to have just a cup of coffee; is he now doing this as in, and loosely put due to lack of earthly words, “tying up loose ends, making up for lost time….”?  And as I think on this I ask….if when you are on the other side of the veil do you “get a chance” to tidy up a few things that you had planned on completing and didn’t get the chance to do so if you wish to do so?

It’s just a thought, of course, but I do find it rather curious that “the chores” are completed and now this morning Jeremy “had coffee with me” and has had on several mornings. 

Is this for me? Is this for him? Is it for the both of us?  It is as though we are reaching right through the veil, mother and son connected spiritually and I know we always will be, but it has been monumentally life saving for me.  It is a blessing that everything I have “learned” that it has been via my son’s presence so that I may able to handle the tragedy of his loss in the physical realm.  I am not disrespecting; and knowing of course The Spirit is the higher power, but I believe for me to actually be able to live on I would not have been able to even stand on my own two feet had it not been Jeremy supporting me and watching over me.

He signed his letter to his parents, “your son, your friend and your guardian angel” and I believe with all my heart he has been given guardianship over me and his immediate family at least for a time.  I haven’t a clue as to how things are run in the heavenly realm, the protocol, how one is chosen for this and another for that or the hierarchy of the angels.

But I do know Jeremy when I sense him and I want to say, thank you son, I could not be where I am now ten months later without you.  I also thank God, the Higher Spirit and all the angels for a glimpse of the supernatural experiences with my son that has been bestowed upon me.

I want to desperately help other parents and my family to reach some semblance of healing and stay on the stepping stones of going forward where there is hope, love and light.  Again, I know that we as survivors will never get over or through this kind of loss, but we can learn to live around it, live with it, use special tools and skills that no one else could possibly understand or relate to.

As Jeremy has said to me, “there are two thoughts; there is one side or the other. (I instantly saw this as a coin.) one is with light the other is clothed in darkness; choose the light Mom.  This can’t be changed, go the path that you will have peace and happiness.”   So, I chose which side of the coin I rather my path take me. 

That choice is to be in the driver’s seat of my mind; to be in control of my thoughts.   As a thought begins in the mind and it will manifest itself however you wish it to; for me, I choose the side of enlightenment.  Not as easy as it sounds and it takes lots of energy to stay on this path and some days it would be a lot easier to stay in bed and “sleep it off”.  But, only we have control over our mind and thoughts; our thoughts are private and belong only to us. 

I choose the thoughts that have energy, love and light.  I choose light of the Spirit that is life and energy and I am even thankful for the choice that I have to choose from.

The transition that has happened to me as I  have entered into a new dimension of the choices we make has been astounding; it is enlightenment and not where our mind takes us but a shift in consciousness.  Being conscious is being in the Now and being in the Present Moment is being conscious; being conscious is being in a deep awakening of truth, light and love.

When your soul is awakened then you know that you can reach through that veil and be in connection with the loved ones that have passed before us.  You know that your soul and heart are in the driver’s seat and that you can be in control of where your mind takes you and what thoughts you choose to live with.

I choose not to ponder the ifs and things that will be missed with Jeremy and especially Jeremy himself and all the things he didn’t accomplish and all the things he did.  It is never ending, but to truly celebrate his life I want the path that the side of the coin has light, not darkness.  That my thoughts be of the moments we cherished, laughed and together enjoyed wonderful life experiences.

I have actually smiled from my heart today and felt as though Jeremy said “Good, let’s have some fun now”……..

In love and understanding,

Sandra xx

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