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Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Memoirs with Jeremy

January 24, 2012

I have completed my family visitations for a while and although both visits were packed with love and family bonding I am feeling the void where my son once was in the physical realm.

Needless to say; I have to remind myself that he is in another dimension doing well and he is happy.  I try to think of it as being very near me and “living next door” if you will.

I wake myself up crying out for him during the night and I know as soon as I open my eyes what kind of day I will have.

Please know I do not do not participate in rituals, but living with something as devastating as my son being taken; I do still have my daughter and her family that remain and I am very thankful for them; I start my day with thankfulness and gratitude.

I start the day off by being thankful for family and friends and then I start thanking the Spirit of God for everything I can think of – even running water and the ability to be able to breathe.  I cannot tell you why this works for me; all I can say is that it helps me climb from torment to an almost happy place. 

I know one day joy will return to my heart but my smiles aren’t coming from that place yet.  I will have to say that it has been about 10 months and some days are getting easier; acceptance is starting to come to play on occasion.  I still want to think of Jeremy off on deployment and I suppose that is a survival technique for me…denial still.  But, slowly I am noticing that I am beginning to accept the truth.

The only way I can take a glimpse of the truth is to know that he is still alive on the other side of that veil that is between our loved ones and those of us who remain on earth.

I am thankful for Mother Nature because through her I can feel a connection with the trees, the sweet songs of the birds and a soft breeze which reminds me how thin that veil truly is and it is as if I can breathe the same air and connect to my son from my core.  I have felt every cell of my body jitter with aliveness and it truly puts me in a better place.  This aliveness reminds that I know there is life after death and that Jeremy is paving the way for his family who will one day unite with him on the other side of the veil.

I will say it again, my despair when it is so bad that I cannot breath and wish I could remove myself from this agony; my son is right there.  He is now saying to me, “don’t go there Mom, you can do this, but don’t go there”.  Which is the all-encompassing darkness that is hell and he has referred to as “Midnight”.

While he whispers in my ear, it helps to soothe me, comfort me and calm me to a place that I can return to being thankful for those who do remain; knowing that I am in good hands with the Spirit of God and my son overseeing me, I will be okay and will be well taken care of.

It is important to say, however; this doesn’t mean I don’t grieve.  I grieve every second of every day for Jeremy and miss his presence on earth.  But what this does do for me is to help me not have the tormenting breakdowns that can last for days and even weeks.  It helps me to be stronger and wiser and nudges me toward the acceptance that was spoken of earlier.  I will always grieve for him; I suppose in some ways he is teaching me how to grieve without it truly destroying me.  I am very thankful for the insights and strengths that have been offered me.  I have made the choice to receive the alternatives that have been given me; for I wish to finish my journey and do it like my son did – a champion.

I am very proud of his sacrifice and how brave of a warrior he was in everything he did whether he was home or on deployment or training his men.  I see the same warrior spirit in my daughter and my grandchildren.  I wish to think I have the warrior spirit as well and will cross the finish line.

I want to thank you precious Spirit for your strength, your revelations and your love that has saved me from tormenting grief.  Thank you that I have been able to share enlightenment with my Sonshine.

With love and understanding,

Sandra K. Harris-Smith

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith United States Marine Corps

03-09-85 – 04-11-11

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