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Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Memoirs with Jeremy

December 31, 2011 Memoirs with Jeremy
Good Morning Son,
I know you have seen the anguish building day by day since the holidays.  I understand that everyone has their own lives and must live them regardless of my state of mind or mood.   When you get down to the bottom of family and friends, I would choose that they enjoy their holidays their way and as best they can.
What I am seeing within myself is abandonment issues.  That I have to work on and know it goes back to my childhood.
I am sorry that you have not been able to reach me until today.  I recognize that I totally shut down emotionally.  I didn’t make an effort consciously to go numb but I guess my body knew what was best for me.  Now, here I am several days after Christmas and the aftershock of it all has hit me hard.
I miss you so much and I can’t fathom living the rest of my life without you being a part of it.  But, in the same breathe reality hits again and again and I know I have that to face for the rest of my earthly life.  It truly sucks.
I love you son and I thank you yet again for contacting me and giving me that helping hand out of midnight; it is sheer hell there.  I love you more than I could ever possibly communicate to you in earthly words.  I know that you know this at the depth I do now.
You are and will forever be my hero and Sonshine,
Mom, XXOO
I find that the only way I can get through a day is writing to Jeremy.  I talk to him all the time but there are days that putting feelings in writing is more satisfying somehow for me.
I woke up in my panic mode…anxiety ridden; again, it is overwhelming physically, mentally and emotionally.
Thank God – truly thanking God; that the Spirit stays intact.  After several hours of tormenting terror of reality and truth smacking me in the face and stabbing my heart over and over; I finally settled down for I could hear Jeremy in my head and knew he had something to say to me.  I sit here now with both of my babies, four-legged, El and Gab surrounding me.  They cannot get close enough for they know the despair and are doing what they can to help me.  The love and support they give is actually very spiritual and so very comforting.
I wish to share what Jeremy related to me this morning.  For you to understand I have to share where my head has been for several days.  I barely have been able to get out of bed, therefore; not productive or functional except to take care of El and Gab.  It makes you feel useless, unlovable, and dysfunctional and the list goes on. 
Accompanied with trying to go forward and having these “meltdowns” you feel as though you are not going forward and I have become hard on myself; self-doubt washing through me and feeling guilty that I am not being productive.  How do those of you work?  I can’t even drive.  In fact, I cannot leave the house without totally falling apart.  I have been diagnosed with PTSD.  I can’t imagine what my son and his fellow Marines go through when they return from war.  It is unbearable.  That makes me feel guilty for not knowing truly what my son went through each time he returned home; four tours no less.  Albert Einstein said; “The only source of knowledge is experience”; how well I relate to this famous quote these days for it is true; text book knowledge is not the same source of knowledge as life experiences.
I will paraphrase what my son, Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, my angel and my Sonshine had to share with me this morning:
“Don’t be hard on yourself, Mom.  Be more accepting of where you are and know every step you take you should be proud of and keep positive about the steps forward or any small thing you do that is productive.
Keep picking yourself up no matter how small the step forward is and be easy on yourself when you take a step back.  Be proud of each small step, Mom and don’t be hard on yourself for any digression that takes place; for each one will carry you further down your path.  Each step back and each step forward will help keep you on track and they are all to be celebrated for they will eventually bring you to your life’s purpose and goals.  Celebrate each one don’t judge the size or the triumph for it is the movement that is important; do not stand still and become stagnant.  Face each day and each day’s task and do so with gratitude for that will keep the light on you, giving you strength to continue forth.
I will always be there to help you and watch over you.  I will keep my “sonshine” light on you whenever you are in that darkest hour I call midnight.”
This message from my son saved my life today; I have felt I have been slowly dying on the vine.  How does one do this unless it is done spiritually?
I thank my son, but I also thank God, the Higher Power, the Source, and the Energy that has blessed me with my son’s presence.
It’s beautiful to still be so connected to Jeremy, I know in time I will get stronger but I also know that God will never ask me to “let him go”…..no mother could ever do that with one of her children.  Jeremy will always be with me; visits might become less frequent, but God would never tell me to let go.

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC 03-09-85 - 04-06-22

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