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Saturday, February 6, 2016

Memoirs with Jeremy

I think of you as soon as my eyes open in the mornings.   I search for you all night among the stars as I dream.  I keep a close look at every reflection and shadow in case I can catch a glimpse of you.  You are always on my mind and in my heart.   Always – even when my heart and mind are quite or busy – you are always – every second of every day – at the forefront of my life.

I have journaled my feelings; even my darkest of despair moments.  I have written of our spiritual journey and visits.  I have shared in hopes of helping others and yes – in hopes to find comfort for myself.

I want to keep your memory alive – I don’t want anyone to forget or not know of your sacrifice; our sacrifice.  It means too much that you gave your life for others to return home to theirs.  It was so selfless and I am proud to be your mom.

Our lives as we knew it – stopped abruptly; brutally even when we learned of your transition.  I already knew, of course, I felt your anxiety and you were with me in spirit.  I couldn’t sleep and was distraught with anxiety and prayed that it be me not you.  What a challenge this all has been – for you first and now for us forever on this earthly plane.

My dear and precious son I miss you more than words could ever reflect.   What I know is that it was your life to live and your choice to go and I have the upmost respect for that.  Would I change it if I could – yes and no.   For me to be selfish and have you home at all costs would be too costly for you and for me.  You could have never have lived with saving your life in exchange for others or the outcome to injurious.  You would have been distraught and unhappy which means that a part of you would have suffered physical death in one way or another.  And for me; seeing you suffer like I know you would; a larger part of me would be at your side as I am now.

I think any parent would feel the same and if they were honest about where they are today they would say that a large part of them died with their child too.  You are such a part of me spirit, soul and body that even though physically you are not here; we are still very much connected and always for eternity will be.  There is no breaking this kind of bond and I am so thankful for that.

I love you Jeremy – I will see you in our dreams.

Proud Mom of

Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC 03-09-85 – 04-06-11

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