Memoirs with Jeremy

I am heavy hearted with the divisiveness of our country.   I am – I suppose – a moderate.  Definitely an independent.  I don’t sway left or right, but try to find the middle of the issues to be fair for all.  I am neither Republican nor Democrat; I believe in some of what they both stand for.

I do not claim to be an authority on global warming, but believe there have been changes to our weather.  Nor do I claim to be an authority regarding Revelations, even though I have read it many times.   What or who do you swing with – that the weather is indicating that we are at the inception of the end of the world – according to Christians. Or…that it is global warming and throw tons of money into climate change.  Where is the middle ground?

I believe in the American way and the American dream.  I think anyone who wants to come and share that with us should.  However; I believe it should be done properly – legally.  Like everyone else who has been here and dedicated themselves to become an American.  Why should some accept that and others do not…..I believe the system should be simplified for those who are here and those who want to be part of our system. 

I do not see anything wrong with vetting.  I know for a fact you cannot go into the Middle East or Mexico without proper documentation or overstaying your visa.  I had to come home every 6 months – when my daughter was a baby and reenter according to Saudi Arabia rules – not mine.  My daughter was born in their hospital – but it did not give her immediate citizenship.  That did not offend me even though I had lived there for years.

I have been exposed to many countries and religions.  My family is composed of some Native Americans and Hispanics.  My daughter was born in Saudi Arabia.  I had a boyfriend from Saudi some time back.  I made many friends while I lived there – from Australia, England, India, Middle East, Far East, France, etc.  I was married to a German; his family spoke broken English.  I travelled a large part of Europe and the Middle East and loved everyone I met.  It was truly a blessing having met each and every one of them.

It is sad that we are taking precautions at the airports with our brothers and sisters coming in.  But, I do want my country safe.  My son fought in Afghanistan and died there.  He served 4 tours – 3 in Iraq and the last in Afghanistan.  We talked about how it was necessary – according to the Marines – to keep the fight there and not let it come to our beautiful nation.  Jeremy joined the Marines righter after 9/11.  Many of his friends did the same.  Much controversy here.  But I believe in better safe than sorry.  It saddens me that much of what my son went through has been reversed – many lost their lives in Iraq.  I do not – again – claim to be an authority, however; if a Marine believes so do I.

I also, know for a fact, that our military needs upgrading.  I have been a family of the Marines for years now and I have heard the issues that have been raised…including and not limited to our men having enough food for them while on deployment.  Not to mention old gear, etc.

I believe in sharing our country to anyone who wants to be a proud American.  I am not an alarmist, but I would like to know that there will not be bomb attacks on our land again.  What is wrong with better safe than sorry?

I do not judge anyone for their color, race or religion.  I believe to each his own and it is none of my business what or who someone else chooses.  Including same sex couples – marriage if they wish.  I am a little iffy on marriage, but not who marries whom.  In fact, I am going to a gay wedding in March – the couple is family to me and I have loved them since they were in elementary school.

I believe in women’s rights – of course, equal pay and promotions.  I have gray areas regarding abortion.  I do not believe it should be used as a contraceptive and I do not believe a full term – half term baby should be murdered.  I believe they are human in the womb.  However; there can be unfortunate and humane reasons to abort.  I have issues personally on this subject and think we should turn down the dial a bit.

I would love to see new roads, bridges, environment and water upgrades.  Also – borders more protected.  I think our educational system needs a lot of help – my kids received a good education and really I am not in that dimension of children going to school – but, more pay better schools. There are so many safety issues and teacher’s pay, etc.  But I believe in the best of both worlds for teachers and students.

It didn’t bother me that we had a half black/white President…no more than it would bother me if they were gay, a woman or purple.  I did not care for Obama’s term, but that is just a personal opinion….there are those who loved everything he did.  But, I sure wouldn’t argue or start a personal war over it.  I LOVED Ben Carson – I think he is one of the most intelligent people I have ever heard.  However; the Christian way is not always spot on.  I vote only for what I personally believe would better our great country.

I don’t have issues with transgender people in the army or any aspect of our world.  They are who they are and should be loved.  Christianity has been poked down our throats, but since people have been “coming out of the closet” so much has been accepted in the last decade.  I think we will all come around and find that we are who we are – not matter what that entails.  We should never judge or create drama to fit our way of thinking, believing or living.

I am a deplorable – I voted for Donald Trump.  Yes he is rough around the edges.  But, I hope and believe that our POTUS can make some very sound and great changes.  Just as those who believed in Obama….why am I wrong to have a belief?  I allowed you yours.  I respected anyone who voted for Obama and didn’t vote for Trump – that would be my daughter and her husband.  It didn’t tear our family up – we were kind about our differences and spoke about them respectfully.

Let’s meet in the middle people.  Let’s put our country first and our personal needs after.  Just like our military and my Marines.  PEACE FOR USA AND THE WORLD.

Sandra Kay Harris-Smith

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC 03-09-85-04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

I managed another year of holidays.  Started off fairly well for Thanksgiving, but Christmas threw me for a loop; it was extraordinarily painful.  With that said; I have made progress.  I decided to return to the assistance of medication support.  I am prone to depression and anxiety on a good day.  The meds helps take the edge off and keep at bay the panic attacks.  I have tried off and on not wanting to medicate, but it just makes life easier with the help.  My daughter says "whatever it takes Mom" and really that is the crux for us all.  It is different for us individually.....but whatever it takes to help deal with the pain, depression and anxiety- for any of us .  I have made more progress with the help of meds.  I am a lot more functional and even dress each day now.  I am more capable of shopping for groceries and doing the everyday mundane chores we each have.  I still have issues with driving; white outs and not knowing where I am at times

For some reason this has hit my brain hard.  Short term memory loss and anti-social from the inception of this tragedy.

Once again, I am only revealing such personal information in hopes that someone in need of help and identifying their symptoms is helped by sharing.  It is actually very embarrassing and has taken me by storm.  Now that I can identify that a panic attack is looming I can control my environment realizing what I personally need to do.  It has been anywhere from taking deep breaths to trying to not RUN from a get together with family.  My meds do not eradicate the symptoms but it does assist me in having a more normal life.

I spoke so often of a new normal and really there is nothing normal about this and there will never be.  But I have made a life for myself.  I have moved from the city to the rural area of East Texas where there is peace and quiet....serenity.  Being next to nature is being next to God for me and it has helped me to settle in with myself and endeavor to move forward.

Some things will never change.  The pain and the loss is incomprehensible.  I miss Jeremy more with each and every day and second I breathe.  But I am coping now and the meds are just a crutch to help me cope.  I have to be careful with alcohol.....only a glass or two of wine....on occasion...otherwise; it spins me into depression that takes days to overcome.  My vices are scrabble and cookie jam and the news.  It helps keep my brain from playing over and over the surreal fact that Jeremy is in another dimension.  More importantly focusing on all of the above spiritually has been the largest factor of handling all of this to the best of my (personal) ability.

It sucks .... it is heartbreaking - literally, but I know that my son is overseeing me and is with me at all times....until we meet again.

I love you son.

Proud Mom of
Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC 03-09-85-04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

Well, I have hit the five year mark.  It seemed an impossible journey at the inception of our tragedy.  I was told by other moms that have lost children that it would take between three to five years to join the human race again.  At the time, five years seemed to be millions of years away.

There is truth to the numbers.  I am more functional than even a year ago.  The sadness never leaves you - not sure I will every completely be happy again; but I do have happy moments. 

When I would have a happy moment several years back I would have a twinge of guilt about it.  I am not sure why except it just didn't seem to fit in my world without Jeremy.  However; with that being said I know he wants me to be happy and I grasp at happiness as much and as often is possible.  It is a quandary actually because I don't want him feeling guilty about leaving us so soon.  Irrational; I know.  But, there is nothing rational about losing your child.

I am astounded at the number of moms who have lost children.  Standing in a store one day I overheard two women discussing losing their sons.  I couldn't help but say "I lost my son too".  Right there in the same aisle with women from young to elderly were five women in one spot that had lost a child.  I was astounded - I guess that would fall into the category that misery loves company.  But, what it did for me was to help me overcome feeling alone and an enigma.  It made me stronger knowing if they could do it so can I.  I would really like to think I do so with some dignity as well.  These women were my heroes at the end of the day.

Yes, five years on 04-06-11 - he was 26 for three weeks.  I miss him until it hurts.  I have cried until there are no more tears.  I have become a recluse in these five years and am now being a little social.  Life doesn't shine like it did before and I have little to offer any kind of relationship...I am surviving.  That it what we are - survivors. 

I am a bit more social these last six months so the numbers of 3-5 years rings very true for me.  My life has totally changed.  I live in a small town in an rural area with my four-legged children and have started a small business that keeps me busy.  The fur babies and small business give me a reason to get up and start my day.

This might sound boring and even a small step forward, but it is huge for me.  I am thankful for every day now and go about thanking God for what I do have and for the opportunity and blessing of being Jeremy's mom.  I would do it all again for him....He is my Sonshine.

In loving memory,
Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC 03-09-85-04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

I spent March 9, 2016 my son's 31st birthday downloading photos onto Facebook to share some memories and I like to think I keep his spirit "alive"  and earthbound by sharing.  There were so many likes and comments and found a lot of support and love for Jeremy.  It helps on many dimensions; keeping me busy and seeing love pour out to him for his sacrifice.  I looked at pictures for the first time in almost five years.  To date I had not been able to bear even seeing a picture of my beautiful son; just so painfully hard.  I feel a small amount of progress to have done this for him.

I also had my mom and sister here to support me.  My sister brought red, blue and white flowers in his honor, mom made lunch and I made an apple pie from scratch in his honor.  This also help to fill in the spaces of time.

I have had two hard days afterward though.  It seems the day of I am busy and capable of keeping somewhat distracted even though my heart and body are screaming in pain.  The last two days I feel "hungover" (not from booze) and severely depressed.  Those of you who have jobs to go to - I really don't know how you do it.  My mind and body are "PTSD'd" .... well, I am more functional than even a year ago.....the birthday is very hard.

Now on the heel of his birthday - I have 04-06-11 looming over me....so I go from one devastating date to the other.

Spiritually I had a few things significant that happened.  I felt very "impressed" to give a perfectly good pair of his cowboy boots to someone and they were so appreciative.  It seemed to me that was Jeremy's birthday gift - to give to someone in need - just like him too.   So proud of you son.  There were many subtle things that I felt Jeremy close - nearby - watching over me.  His presence these days is like having one foot/toe in the door whilst busy somewhere else.

Five years .....I am so thankful to have the darkest hours behind me.  It would be easy to slip back into despair sometimes, but that is so intensely dark and scary I would never return.  I keep my eyes and ears open spiritually; I keep a thankful heart for many things remaining including my daughter and I keep my eyes on heaven and all the angels who help me every day.

Happy Birthday Son - I love you more today than I did yesterday and even the past moment.  I love you and am so thankful I get to be your mom.  So, so thankful for that!!!  I would go through all the darkness and pain again just to spend time and be your mom. 

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, USMC 03-09-85 - 04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

had a fleeting thought Monday.... I was thinking how nice it would be to receive some flowers from my son Jeremy for Valentines. Yesterday these lovely flowers showed up at my home with a note that says "thank you for your son's ultinmate sacrifice and service to our country". The note wasn't signed; there wasn't a name. I pray that the person who was impressed by generosity, love and gratitude for my son would know the depth of the meaning of this for me. I thank you so very much from my soul. xx

Memoirs with Jeremy

I think of you as soon as my eyes open in the mornings.   I search for you all night among the stars as I dream.  I keep a close look at every reflection and shadow in case I can catch a glimpse of you.  You are always on my mind and in my heart.   Always – even when my heart and mind are quite or busy – you are always – every second of every day – at the forefront of my life.

I have journaled my feelings; even my darkest of despair moments.  I have written of our spiritual journey and visits.  I have shared in hopes of helping others and yes – in hopes to find comfort for myself.

I want to keep your memory alive – I don’t want anyone to forget or not know of your sacrifice; our sacrifice.  It means too much that you gave your life for others to return home to theirs.  It was so selfless and I am proud to be your mom.

Our lives as we knew it – stopped abruptly; brutally even when we learned of your transition.  I already knew, of course, I felt your anxiety and you were with me in spirit.  I couldn’t sleep and was distraught with anxiety and prayed that it be me not you.  What a challenge this all has been – for you first and now for us forever on this earthly plane.

My dear and precious son I miss you more than words could ever reflect.   What I know is that it was your life to live and your choice to go and I have the upmost respect for that.  Would I change it if I could – yes and no.   For me to be selfish and have you home at all costs would be too costly for you and for me.  You could have never have lived with saving your life in exchange for others or the outcome to injurious.  You would have been distraught and unhappy which means that a part of you would have suffered physical death in one way or another.  And for me; seeing you suffer like I know you would; a larger part of me would be at your side as I am now.

I think any parent would feel the same and if they were honest about where they are today they would say that a large part of them died with their child too.  You are such a part of me spirit, soul and body that even though physically you are not here; we are still very much connected and always for eternity will be.  There is no breaking this kind of bond and I am so thankful for that.

I love you Jeremy – I will see you in our dreams.

Proud Mom of

Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC 03-09-85 – 04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

I have plunged forward trying to start over…..a new life; especially this past 24 months.  I have moved to a new town, purchased a new home, have added to my animal-family and own my business.  My mom lives with me for a year now.  I have new doctor/s, shopping locally, etc.  Everything is “new”.  I will use the catchy phrase of “new normal” as I reflect over the last few years.

I am now facing this catchy phrase I used over and over at the inception of the tragedy for me and my family – my son’s transition to the afterlife.

This catchy phrase served me well I suppose – giving me hope and helped me focus to move on….but what I will tell you as a mom that has had to live without her child – there is NOTHING normal about this.

It is all different, but it is not normal to be on earth without my son.  You hope to go back to some kind of normalcy; especially in your heart and mind.  You struggle to be cheerful and happy – carefree.  But it is not in the cards for me now – not like before. 

I have learned to integrate Jeremy’s transition into my life, I have learned how to push down fear and tears, I have learned to control myself in front of others and I smile and am polite when I am not up to the task.

I look at others while they are laughing and being so carefree and I have to admit; I envy that kind of light heartedness (knowing we all have our burdens) and I wish for that kind of joy and giddiness again. 

I have more “good” days now and am much more functional and have created a “safe” place for myself.   I do laugh and act silly again; it is just not with the same breezy glee and untroubled heartiness that was in my life sharing life with Jeremy.

I am looking at five years of absence in April and am facing Jeremy’s 31^st birthday in March…..holidays are brutal but these dates are beyond comparison to any other.  Five years and we have missed out on so much with him.

Good news is – I know he is in a much better place.  Sometimes I think how stressed he would be with all that is going on in our world today.  Jeremy did three tours in Iraq and one in Afghanistan and I can tell you he would not be pleased with choices and decisions made in our Great Country.  I asked him once about how he felt about fighting in the Middle East and he said that it was better to have the war there than in the U.S.   I have to believe he knew exactly what he was talking about.

I don’t share these thoughts to say that there is not hope and that there can’t be happy times again.  It has taken five years for me to see some happy times and I am more “content” with my life now than I was even three years ago.

What I am sharing is that it isn’t normal to go before your children and it is still my opinion that it isn’t acceptable.  It is all play on words or how you view them, but sometimes it helps me to understand that no matter what I do, where I go or who I am with…..there is a large part of me that is missing.

I had a “real dream” with Jeremy Friday night the 22^nd:  Jeremy came home and I was with him hugging him and I could do nothing but cry and cry – he was consoling me….I said to him “I died with you” and he said “I know, Mom”.  He was about to visit someone and I had much to share that was so hard for me to share with him before he visited; very devastating news for him.  It was a soul wrenching dream and you would think that I would be jumping up and down with happiness but it was so intense and so real – it was very much the opposite.  It has been a long time since I visited with him spiritually and what I have surmised is that it helped me to let go of some deep wounds caused by others and to grieve with him – it was sad but cleansing.  My pain from others I can lay down now.  You are still very protective of your children no matter where they are or how far from home they are.

I love you Jeremy – thank you for helping me to heal once again. 

Proud Mom of

SSgt. Jeremy D. Smith 03-09-85-04-06-11