Memoirs with Jeremy

It is hard to believe that it will be seven years in April since I have had the blessing of giving Jeremy a bear hug, buying him a gift, cook a meal for him, giggle at his contagious laugh and feel his wonderful energy permeating every step he takes.  Everyone has moved on since the tragic events of our life and we; his immediate family, are still trying to piece ourselves back together and be functional again.  Every day is another day we miss him more.  But.....as time has passed we have learned to live with this horrific event and move forward.  It has taken a long time and every day of our lives will be learning to keep going forward.  It is a life sentence yet we can somehow manage to get to the point that we incorporate this tragedy into our very existence.  It has not nor will ever be an easy journey.

I have learned that I can prepare a meal in his memory and I am thankful I still can remember the sound of his glorious laughter and I am blessed that every so often I am granted a few moments to look upon his very beautiful energy and spirit.  He still has that same great smile - it is magnified and more pure than before and it fills every cell with an indescribable energy and peace that surpasses all understanding.

I wish still we could go back and do a "do-over" but yet in the same breathe I know that this was entirely Jeremy's journey and he lived it his way.  I wanted to beg him not to go yet I knew it would serve no purpose except heartache .... he knew what had to be done - he possessed sheer determination and selflessness to do what he knew he was called to.

So as a Mom I wanted to be selfish...... and so as a Mom I knew I could do nothing but give him 200% support and eternal love.

I am blessed and privileged to have been such a major part of his life - I would do it all again and again to have the blessing of being his Mom.  I have things I wish I could take back, or done or said.....but moreover - I have wonderful, beautiful memories I cherish with my son.

I love you son and am so very proud of you.

Gold Star Mom,
Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC
03-09-85-04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

It has been an exceptional journey.  It seems a life time ago and then it seems like only yesterday.  I would choose not to have had to learn what comes with a journey such as this, but I believe on a conscious energy level perhaps....just maybe.....Jeremy and I chose this in another dimension long ago.

Jeremy came to me in a dream a few weeks ago and he glowed with such beauty and love that is was breathtaking.  He appeared in my backyard while I was out with my fur-babies.  He was poised against the tailgate of a truck and my dad was outside the drivers door side winding a cowboy rope.  I was so surprised to see them, however; my focus was on Jeremy.  He had such love and joy emanating from him and flowing out to me that I was filled to the brim with his love.  We communicated little but not with words - a consciousness that was flowing from him to me and back again.  After some time, I don't know how long - minutes/seconds....my dad spoke and said we need to be going.  I asked if they had to leave so soon and my dad replied that they would be back soon - in a most loving and calm way after seeing my distress of them leaving me.  The entire visit was filled with love and comfort.  The joy manifested was palpable.

I suppose you could take this encounter in various ways - I choose not to decipher it but enjoy that they cloaked me in love and to see them so content and glowing with love and joy - well, it brings much peace to my soul and salve to my heart.

I read (Eckhart Tolle) that the human brain contains approximately one hundred billion nerve cells/neurons.  That this is about the same number as there are stars in our galaxy/macrocosmic brain.  He described consciousness as the creator of the brain and that we are the most complex physical form on earth and that consciousness uses human form to enter this dimension (paraphrased).  I liken it to the Holy Spirit residing in us to express itself and in turn our conscious level expands.  I believe that how conscious you are is expressed in how spiritual you are and one with the universe.  We are all connected in this spiritual/conscious journey we are on and it is why I know that Jeremy lives - just in another dimension.  Some do not believe in reincarnation but I do not know how one could possibly grow spiritually in one small life time. 

Consciousness/God creates all, is all and in all. No one, no one faith or pastor, priest, etc. has all the answers.  Living a conscious spiritual life is a chosen journey and it requires we be conscious in even the smallest-mundane chores not just the big events.  I challenge myself with this but not near as much as I should -  my intentions are to grow to have more consciousness and be spirit filled - be one with the universe.

I am thankful that my son reaches out to me from another dimension - some think I am desperate, some think I make it up, some think I am looney.....I think I will take whatever and whenever I can from the other side that we are all destined for eventually. It brings me monumental comfort, faith, and hope.

Proud Mom of
Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC 03-09-85-04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

Memoirs with Jeremy

I was so very lost after my son’s transition; I did not know what to do or how to handle my life that lay before me.  Since the day I began learning how to integrate this tragic tragedy; I was determined to reach out with my very personal experience even though it is dark at the inception.  Please know there is a dim light to set your sights on.  It does get brighter as time goes on.

My heart aches for parents who have lost their sons in war.  Those, who like myself are veterans have been in that dark place that feels there is no return.  So, this is especially for those who are in the throes of bereavement.  There are better days even though it is beyond comprehension how you could possibly make this journey.  It is the reason I share – in hopes my journey will help someone, somewhere. 

I have had a war on words trying to identify areas I am unaccustomed – I was told I needed to accept this travesty.  This has not set well with me.  Neither has the words overcome and recover.   You do not recover from losing a child and you do not overcome the loss.  It is so finale that the finality of it is almost too hard to bear.  It is a life sentence.

I wish I could gloss over what is ahead, but it would be a lot of untruths.  It is harder than anyone can even imagine.  It takes time, more time and much more time.  It has been nearly seven years for me and I have rebuilt my life stone by stone, brick by brick every day of every year.

In the tortuous minutes ahead and the agonizing day after day of grieving you will begin being functional again.  It comes slowly but it will come.  You learn to integrate this into a new life and weave it into your very existence that one day you will see muted sunrises, will begin to genuinely smile and laugh once more.  You will become astonished that you have gone a minute, an hour without crying.  You will be proud that you have become so engrossed in your task that the time has gone by with relative ease.  This is how you rebuild.  You don’t dodge the pain on this one – you weave through each day learning your triggers, your strengths and what potholes to reroute your life around.

You create a new life – I use to write a “new normal”, but then realized there is nothing normal about parents living longer then their children.   Overcoming suggests that you get over the loss and recovery suggests you return back to a normal life.  But, it is inconceivable that you would be returning to a life that has been immutably altered.   Find your life line, a reason to rise in the morning.  Do it for you and the loved ones that are with you still.  Hang onto anything that makes it more bearable for you and do not rush the progress.  You will go a step forward and ten steps back many times over.  I endeavor to not only make my daughter and her family proud that I have made it through this trauma, but Jeremy being a Marine, I like to think that I have made him proud as a Gold Star Mom.  I have had to take meds to help me find my equilibrium and have learned to be ok with that.  As my daughter has told me – “whatever it takes, Mom” (it has been a devastating life change for her as well).

You will begin to see the world and others through different eyes.  You will have changed in your perceptions, tolerances and understanding.  Your views will change, how you relate to others will be different.  Your values will change, you will be impacted spiritually.   You may be softer in areas and harder in others.  There are individual/personal changes from one to the next, but there will be changes in you nonetheless. There is no way we could go through and endure such trauma and it not affect us; it is life altering.  I like to think these changes make us stronger and better as parents and people. 

I love to talk about my son Jeremy.  I wish that the dialogue would open much more often.  But, people have the tendency to deflect due to not knowing that you need or want to talk about them.  They are trying to be sensitive and not flip switches for you.  If we could all share in the learning process it would be invaluable to us as survivors.  Remembering our loved ones helps us cope and adapt to the loss.  Sharing grief, anger and confusion would help by confronting the reality that has been handed us….. in my opinion,  needs to be shared with someone we trust.  Hopefully, a good confidant and friend will always be there to support you.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t “talk” to Jeremy.  He is always with me and I have been fortunate in that we have had many spiritual accountings.  It has been my life line. I would not be honest if I didn’t say that I am still in some sort of denial….but I believe it stems from the fact that I truly believe that he lives….he is happy…..he has more love and life than here on earth.  His energy is so beautiful and loving.  I believe in the hereafter and I rest in that we will meet again.

Proud Gold Star Mom

In honor of:

Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC 03-09-85-04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

As I awake this morning the roiling tumultuous and dread of facing reality slams into me.  Some days it hits me hard.  Today is one of those days that it violently seeps into my consciousness as I am awakening from a deep slumber.  I am stuck; there is no other way than just facing another day without my Jeremy, my Sonshine.   I am irritable and sick to my stomach and I force myself to be up and about.  As I take my babes outside I am reminded that I still have things to be thankful for and breathing in the country air and watching the sun come up helped me stabilize my emotional roller-coaster........ I thought it would be healing for me and helpful to someone to pen my experience.

I am forced to go along with my routine because I have four-legged kids who need my attention.  I am very thankful for them.  They sense my despair and do what they can to make me feel better and they do.....I love that they love me unconditionally.  I am so thankful for their companionship and love.  They are light and healing for me.

I miss Jeremy with all my heart and soul.  I have many things in my past that I wish I had done differently with and for him.  I tried to be the best mom ever, but fell short of the mark on several occasions.  I thought leaving Arlington and moving to Plano was a best laid plan, but Jeremy did not want to leave his school and friends and....wanted to try living with his dad for a change.  It broke my heart and I was at a loss without him.  But, the move was being executed and there was no turning back.  With that said, he spent all his free time with me and we did have an adventure and did many fun things that we couldn't have done if I had stayed in Arlington.  It is complicated in a sense and simple in another.  When I address this regret I am reminded that he was given a lot in return for this action that seemed so defining for me.  He was only preteen, but I knew deep in my heart it had to be his choice.  So my regret is full of good memories as well and provided a life for Jeremy that would have been otherwise very boring.

I am doing much better six years and four months later than I ever thought I would - it is astonishing to know that you can plow forward with such heart breaking devastation as losing a child.  My heart goes out to parents who are facing their first few years of learning how to cope with such loss.  It is such a dark black hole - a living nightmare - all encompassing torture that never truly ends.  But, you do manage to start seeing light again even though your life has been irrevocably changed forever.

I hung on for dear life because I wanted Jeremy to be proud of me and mostly for my daughter and grands - they truly kept me grounded.  I have read that most parents want to give up and go be with their beloved - I know I did - but never could such a selfish act consume me for I love my daughter so much that I would never leave her to deal with this alone.  She adored Jeremy and her loss was right next to mine - devastatingly-devastated. 

I rather write of a spirit-filled journey and share the encounters I have had with Jeremy which were life saving for me.  But, I felt today that such a dark place needed to be shared for it is never discussed among the living.  Such darkness is usually hidden and leaves one to wonder if others feel the same.  They do - I would say probably 100% of us do - I have know way of truly knowing that and it is assumed on the basis of how difficult it is for your child to pass before you.  But, I will say it is, unfortunately, common among us to have these feelings.  I would never act on these feelings for I would never want Jeremy to feel responsible for me.....again, I would never do that to my daughter.  It is a dark place but you manage it - you just do. 

We still have the choice of making our lives as bearable and eventually functional as we can.  In the last six years I have made progress that seemed to never come.  As I look back I see how gradual it has been yet the progress is definitely there.  It is still as painful and there is a hole in my heart and an empty place in my life in all dimensions.  But, I live in hopes of bringing some kind of honor and life to Jeremy's memory and do many things in his stead. 

After I move along my morning and grasp my emotions - I am so thankful to have been given the honor of being Jeremy's mom, I am so thankful and proud to have been his mom, to spend time with him and to know him as no other could.  I am thankful that God/Spirit has provided for me and has righted me in a place that brings healing.  I am so very thankful for my daughter, her husband and my grands.  There is still much to live for - for me.  There is still much to do for others.  There is still much to be thankful in the beautiful and gorgeous Universe that has been created for us to love.  I realized that I will have an eternity with Jeremy but life on earth will be a short journey and I want to enjoy what is left of it.

Peace and contentment are much to be thankful for.  You will find it - it just takes excruciatingly snail pace time and time and time......

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC 03-09-85-04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

Memories with Jeremy April 3, 2017

For all surviving parents:

I have learned much in the last six years; mostly about love, forgiveness and a deep appreciation of nature and the world we live in.  I am learning to live in the now and endeavor to be present at all times.  However, I still struggle with the mundane things of life and more importantly the absence of my son.   

I can only write and share of my experience.  I am fortunate that it has been an intense spiritual journey for me personally.  I share only as an avenue of reaching someone, somewhere that would benefit or identify with my life changes.

Finding a life purpose again has been a challenge.  Six years ago to get up and dressed was a challenge.  So to speak of having purpose is a big step going forward.  Losing a child forever changes your life and everything in it.  At some level everything changes.  It takes strength and sheer determination to find a way to continue and years to let life and grief coexist.  Grief is a life sentence; it never dissipates nor does it grow less in its intensity.  But, we can and do learn to cope with what destiny has handed us.

How we process grief is an individual process.  It is unique and solely griever’s choice.  It is personal choices we make and our instincts that help with the ebbs and flows of dealing with the magnitude of emotions that arise in the rollercoaster of healing.  But, through the darkness blinded by fear and grief – we do find our way.  We do survive.

For me survival mode has been my spiritual beliefs.  I believe in destiny but I also think that our free will choices are what paints and fills in our lives – each and every detail.  I believe in the hereafter, always have, but especially now that I have had soul communication with Jeremy.

Our lives will never be the same again.  How could it be?  The “new normal” is what I reached for only to find there is nothing normal about my son’s transition in the earthly realm.  Places and things can be replaced by mixing the old with the new or starting over in an environment or location that helps you with a fresh start.  The weight of grief, however; never changes.  It goes where you go and it has whatever power you lend it to make your day.

There are reprieves from grief as time goes on and the breaks last longer.  We learn to start living again.  There are no timelines – some take longer than others and everyone’s process is different.   It has taken me years to find ways for grief and healing to coexist.  We finally get there, the darkness begins subsiding and the breaks from grief are more often – we are healing and will continue to heal and move forward coexisting with our grief.

I read once that children are orphaned, spouses are widows and we as grieving parents are survivors.   The loss is so unbearable that we hope to one day learn to live again - surviving without our child.

What I have learned, spiritually, is that Jeremy is always with me.  Always; I speak his name and he says I am here mom.  I find that in some ways I am spending more (spiritual) time with him than I did earthly or real time.  I share sunrises and sunsets with him; my thoughts seem to blend and bind us.  I find much peace and hope in “until we meet again”.  I think of him and he is there; there is so much truth in the spiritual realm of loved ones helping those who are bound by earthly realms to survive.

I have learned that the soul bond never diminishes or evaporates.  It can never be broken and our loved ones are a thought away.  When we think of them; they are with us.   I believe they help us with the healing process and join us in our efforts to move forward.   I could not have made it without my son’s presence at the inception of our tragedy – and still today – there is always the thought that he is a breath away to help me move forward.

Grief transforms us.  We are not the same.  It changes how we look at our lives, our values and thoughts that have shaped us.  How we look at the world is altered at best and the “loss” of our loved one impacts us the rest of our lives.

The personal choices – the ones that color our world – are what shape us into who we are to live the destiny we have been handed with our loved ones.  I wish for us all to transcend the darkness and be enlightened by our children’s and loved ones in the spiritual dimension who are helping us.

It is a challenge we must face.  I am a Marine Mom and my strength came from my son’s bravery and I never want to disappoint (although in truth in the spirit realm I could not).  I challenged myself that I be as brave in life as Jeremy was in death.  I find the strength in he is still alive just in another dimension.  I find solace in that I can feel his presence and with a thought our souls communicate.   I love that I think of him and he assures me time and time again “I am here Mom”.  I love that he is a breath away and that we will reunite again. 

I love him with an immutable love that breaks barriers between earth and the spirit realm. 

I love you Sonshine – I am honored to be the proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC  03-09-85-04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

Jeremy's birthday was Thursday the 9th.  I spent the day sharing pictures and poems of my son.  It helps and is a process of keeping his memory alive....I love honoring him. Jeremy would be 32 years old - he would be married with children and would be buying a home.  I think he would have furthered his career in the Marines - he loved being in the military.  There was red tape as in any profession but he loved the Marines and his fellow brothers. 

It will be six years soon - April 6th.  It is still very hard and unfathomable - I still have trouble totally wrapping my mind around that he isn't with us in the earthly realm.  I miss him more each day and love him even more every second of every day.  I am lucky in the fact that he died a hero - saving at least six Marines and giving them the opportunity to return to their families.  He knew he wasn't going to return - as did I .  He was the only one of his platoon that had any experience - none of the others had ever done a tour - he knew he had to go with them to Afghanistan.  I am so proud of him and I hold no resentment or jealousy of any kind toward these men....they love my son and we are all thankful for his strength and bravery.

I don't mean to sound as though I am "bragging" - it is such a sacred time to me and it gives me strength and courage as my son had - his to die - mine to live.

Proud Mom of
Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC 03-09-85-04-06-11

I love you Sonshine

Memories with Jeremy

I am heavy hearted with the divisiveness of our country. I am – I suppose – a moderate. Definitely an independent. I don’t sway left or right, but try to find the middle of the issues to be fair for all. I am neither Republican nor Democrat; I believe in some of what they both stand for.
I do not claim to be an authority on global warming, but believe there have been changes to our weather. Nor do I claim to be an authority regarding Revelations, even though I have read it many times. What or who do you swing with – that the weather is indicating that we are at the inception of the end of the world – according to Christians. Or…that it is global warming and throw tons of money into climate change. Where is the middle ground?
I believe in the American way and the American dream. I think anyone who wants to come and share that with us should. However; I believe it should be done properly – legally. Like everyone else who has been here and dedicated themselves to become an American. Why should some accept that and others do not…..I believe the system should be simplified for those who are here and those who want to be part of our system.
I do not see anything wrong with vetting. I know for a fact you cannot go into the Middle East or Mexico without proper documentation or overstaying your visa. I had to come home every 6 months – when my daughter was a baby and reenter according to Saudi Arabia rules – not mine. My daughter was born in their hospital – but it did not give her immediate citizenship. That did not offend me even though I had lived there for years.
I have been exposed to many countries and religions. My family is composed of some Native Americans and Hispanics. My daughter was born in Saudi Arabia. I had a boyfriend from Saudi some time back. I made many friends while I lived there – from Australia, England, India, Middle East, Far East, France, etc. I was married to a German; his family spoke broken English. I travelled a large part of Europe and the Middle East and loved everyone I met. It was truly a blessing having met each and every one of them.
It is sad that we are taking precautions at the airports with our brothers and sisters coming in. But, I do want my country safe. My son fought in Afghanistan and died there. He served 4 tours – 3 in Iraq and the last in Afghanistan. We talked about how it was necessary – according to the Marines – to keep the fight there and not let it come to our beautiful nation. Jeremy joined the Marines righter after 9/11. Many of his friends did the same. Much controversy here. But I believe in better safe than sorry. It saddens me that much of what my son went through has been reversed – many lost their lives in Iraq. I do not – again – claim to be an authority, however; if a Marine believes so do I.
I also, know for a fact, that our military needs upgrading. I have been a family of the Marines for years now and I have heard the issues that have been raised…including and not limited to our men having enough food for them while on deployment. Not to mention old gear, etc.
I believe in sharing our country to anyone who wants to be a proud American. I am not an alarmist, but I would like to know that there will not be bomb attacks on our land again. What is wrong with better safe than sorry?
I do not judge anyone for their color, race or religion. I believe to each his own and it is none of my business what or who someone else chooses. Including same sex couples – marriage if they wish. I am a little iffy on marriage, but not who marries whom. In fact, I am going to a gay wedding in March – the couple is family to me and I have loved them since they were in elementary school.
I believe in women’s rights – of course, equal pay and promotions. I have gray areas regarding abortion. I do not believe it should be used as a contraceptive and I do not believe a full term – half term baby should be murdered. I believe they are human in the womb. However; there can be unfortunate and humane reasons to abort. I have issues personally on this subject and think we should turn down the dial a bit.
I would love to see new roads, bridges, environment and water upgrades. Also – borders more protected. I think our educational system needs a lot of help – my kids received a good education and really I am not in that dimension of children going to school – but, more pay better schools. There are so many safety issues and teacher’s pay, etc. But I believe in the best of both worlds for teachers and students.
It didn’t bother me that we had a half black/white President…no more than it would bother me if they were gay, a woman or purple. I did not care for Obama’s term, but that is just a personal opinion….there are those who loved everything he did. But, I sure wouldn’t argue or start a personal war over it. I LOVED Ben Carson – I think he is one of the most intelligent people I have ever heard. However; the Christian way is not always spot on. I vote only for what I personally believe would better our great country.
I don’t have issues with transgender people in the army or any aspect of our world. They are who they are and should be loved. Christianity has been poked down our throats, but since people have been “coming out of the closet” so much has been accepted in the last decade. I think we will all come around and find that we are who we are – no matter what that entails. We should never judge or create drama to fit our way of thinking, believing or living.
I am a deplorable – I voted for Donald Trump. Yes he is rough around the edges. But, I hope and believe that our POTUS can make some very sound and great changes. Just as those who believed in Obama….why am I wrong to have a belief? I allowed you yours. I respected anyone who voted for Obama and didn’t vote for Trump – that would be my daughter and her husband. It didn’t tear our family up – we were kind about our differences and spoke about them respectfully.
Let’s meet in the middle people. Let’s put our country first and our personal needs after. Just like our military and my Marines. PEACE TO USA AND THE WORLD
Sandra Kay Harris-Smith
Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC 03-09-85-04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

I am heavy hearted with the divisiveness of our country.   I am – I suppose – a moderate.  Definitely an independent.  I don’t sway left or right, but try to find the middle of the issues to be fair for all.  I am neither Republican nor Democrat; I believe in some of what they both stand for.

I do not claim to be an authority on global warming, but believe there have been changes to our weather.  Nor do I claim to be an authority regarding Revelations, even though I have read it many times.   What or who do you swing with – that the weather is indicating that we are at the inception of the end of the world – according to Christians. Or…that it is global warming and throw tons of money into climate change.  Where is the middle ground?

I believe in the American way and the American dream.  I think anyone who wants to come and share that with us should.  However; I believe it should be done properly – legally.  Like everyone else who has been here and dedicated themselves to become an American.  Why should some accept that and others do not…..I believe the system should be simplified for those who are here and those who want to be part of our system. 

I do not see anything wrong with vetting.  I know for a fact you cannot go into the Middle East or Mexico without proper documentation or overstaying your visa.  I had to come home every 6 months – when my daughter was a baby and reenter according to Saudi Arabia rules – not mine.  My daughter was born in their hospital – but it did not give her immediate citizenship.  That did not offend me even though I had lived there for years.

I have been exposed to many countries and religions.  My family is composed of some Native Americans and Hispanics.  My daughter was born in Saudi Arabia.  I had a boyfriend from Saudi some time back.  I made many friends while I lived there – from Australia, England, India, Middle East, Far East, France, etc.  I was married to a German; his family spoke broken English.  I travelled a large part of Europe and the Middle East and loved everyone I met.  It was truly a blessing having met each and every one of them.

It is sad that we are taking precautions at the airports with our brothers and sisters coming in.  But, I do want my country safe.  My son fought in Afghanistan and died there.  He served 4 tours – 3 in Iraq and the last in Afghanistan.  We talked about how it was necessary – according to the Marines – to keep the fight there and not let it come to our beautiful nation.  Jeremy joined the Marines righter after 9/11.  Many of his friends did the same.  Much controversy here.  But I believe in better safe than sorry.  It saddens me that much of what my son went through has been reversed – many lost their lives in Iraq.  I do not – again – claim to be an authority, however; if a Marine believes so do I.

I also, know for a fact, that our military needs upgrading.  I have been a family of the Marines for years now and I have heard the issues that have been raised…including and not limited to our men having enough food for them while on deployment.  Not to mention old gear, etc.

I believe in sharing our country to anyone who wants to be a proud American.  I am not an alarmist, but I would like to know that there will not be bomb attacks on our land again.  What is wrong with better safe than sorry?

I do not judge anyone for their color, race or religion.  I believe to each his own and it is none of my business what or who someone else chooses.  Including same sex couples – marriage if they wish.  I am a little iffy on marriage, but not who marries whom.  In fact, I am going to a gay wedding in March – the couple is family to me and I have loved them since they were in elementary school.

I believe in women’s rights – of course, equal pay and promotions.  I have gray areas regarding abortion.  I do not believe it should be used as a contraceptive and I do not believe a full term – half term baby should be murdered.  I believe they are human in the womb.  However; there can be unfortunate and humane reasons to abort.  I have issues personally on this subject and think we should turn down the dial a bit.

I would love to see new roads, bridges, environment and water upgrades.  Also – borders more protected.  I think our educational system needs a lot of help – my kids received a good education and really I am not in that dimension of children going to school – but, more pay better schools. There are so many safety issues and teacher’s pay, etc.  But I believe in the best of both worlds for teachers and students.

It didn’t bother me that we had a half black/white President…no more than it would bother me if they were gay, a woman or purple.  I did not care for Obama’s term, but that is just a personal opinion….there are those who loved everything he did.  But, I sure wouldn’t argue or start a personal war over it.  I LOVED Ben Carson – I think he is one of the most intelligent people I have ever heard.  However; the Christian way is not always spot on.  I vote only for what I personally believe would better our great country.

I don’t have issues with transgender people in the army or any aspect of our world.  They are who they are and should be loved.  Christianity has been poked down our throats, but since people have been “coming out of the closet” so much has been accepted in the last decade.  I think we will all come around and find that we are who we are – not matter what that entails.  We should never judge or create drama to fit our way of thinking, believing or living.

I am a deplorable – I voted for Donald Trump.  Yes he is rough around the edges.  But, I hope and believe that our POTUS can make some very sound and great changes.  Just as those who believed in Obama….why am I wrong to have a belief?  I allowed you yours.  I respected anyone who voted for Obama and didn’t vote for Trump – that would be my daughter and her husband.  It didn’t tear our family up – we were kind about our differences and spoke about them respectfully.

Let’s meet in the middle people.  Let’s put our country first and our personal needs after.  Just like our military and my Marines.  PEACE FOR USA AND THE WORLD.

Sandra Kay Harris-Smith

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC 03-09-85-04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

I managed another year of holidays.  Started off fairly well for Thanksgiving, but Christmas threw me for a loop; it was extraordinarily painful.  With that said; I have made progress.  I decided to return to the assistance of medication support.  I am prone to depression and anxiety on a good day.  The meds helps take the edge off and keep at bay the panic attacks.  I have tried off and on not wanting to medicate, but it just makes life easier with the help.  My daughter says "whatever it takes Mom" and really that is the crux for us all.  It is different for us individually.....but whatever it takes to help deal with the pain, depression and anxiety- for any of us .  I have made more progress with the help of meds.  I am a lot more functional and even dress each day now.  I am more capable of shopping for groceries and doing the everyday mundane chores we each have.  I still have issues with driving; white outs and not knowing where I am at times

For some reason this has hit my brain hard.  Short term memory loss and anti-social from the inception of this tragedy.

Once again, I am only revealing such personal information in hopes that someone in need of help and identifying their symptoms is helped by sharing.  It is actually very embarrassing and has taken me by storm.  Now that I can identify that a panic attack is looming I can control my environment realizing what I personally need to do.  It has been anywhere from taking deep breaths to trying to not RUN from a get together with family.  My meds do not eradicate the symptoms but it does assist me in having a more normal life.

I spoke so often of a new normal and really there is nothing normal about this and there will never be.  But I have made a life for myself.  I have moved from the city to the rural area of East Texas where there is peace and quiet....serenity.  Being next to nature is being next to God for me and it has helped me to settle in with myself and endeavor to move forward.

Some things will never change.  The pain and the loss is incomprehensible.  I miss Jeremy more with each and every day and second I breathe.  But I am coping now and the meds are just a crutch to help me cope.  I have to be careful with alcohol.....only a glass or two of wine....on occasion...otherwise; it spins me into depression that takes days to overcome.  My vices are scrabble and cookie jam and the news.  It helps keep my brain from playing over and over the surreal fact that Jeremy is in another dimension.  More importantly focusing on all of the above spiritually has been the largest factor of handling all of this to the best of my (personal) ability.

It sucks .... it is heartbreaking - literally, but I know that my son is overseeing me and is with me at all times....until we meet again.

I love you son.

Proud Mom of
Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC 03-09-85-04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

Well, I have hit the five year mark.  It seemed an impossible journey at the inception of our tragedy.  I was told by other moms that have lost children that it would take between three to five years to join the human race again.  At the time, five years seemed to be millions of years away.

There is truth to the numbers.  I am more functional than even a year ago.  The sadness never leaves you - not sure I will every completely be happy again; but I do have happy moments. 

When I would have a happy moment several years back I would have a twinge of guilt about it.  I am not sure why except it just didn't seem to fit in my world without Jeremy.  However; with that being said I know he wants me to be happy and I grasp at happiness as much and as often is possible.  It is a quandary actually because I don't want him feeling guilty about leaving us so soon.  Irrational; I know.  But, there is nothing rational about losing your child.

I am astounded at the number of moms who have lost children.  Standing in a store one day I overheard two women discussing losing their sons.  I couldn't help but say "I lost my son too".  Right there in the same aisle with women from young to elderly were five women in one spot that had lost a child.  I was astounded - I guess that would fall into the category that misery loves company.  But, what it did for me was to help me overcome feeling alone and an enigma.  It made me stronger knowing if they could do it so can I.  I would really like to think I do so with some dignity as well.  These women were my heroes at the end of the day.

Yes, five years on 04-06-11 - he was 26 for three weeks.  I miss him until it hurts.  I have cried until there are no more tears.  I have become a recluse in these five years and am now being a little social.  Life doesn't shine like it did before and I have little to offer any kind of relationship...I am surviving.  That it what we are - survivors. 

I am a bit more social these last six months so the numbers of 3-5 years rings very true for me.  My life has totally changed.  I live in a small town in an rural area with my four-legged children and have started a small business that keeps me busy.  The fur babies and small business give me a reason to get up and start my day.

This might sound boring and even a small step forward, but it is huge for me.  I am thankful for every day now and go about thanking God for what I do have and for the opportunity and blessing of being Jeremy's mom.  I would do it all again for him....He is my Sonshine.

In loving memory,
Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC 03-09-85-04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

I spent March 9, 2016 my son's 31st birthday downloading photos onto Facebook to share some memories and I like to think I keep his spirit "alive"  and earthbound by sharing.  There were so many likes and comments and found a lot of support and love for Jeremy.  It helps on many dimensions; keeping me busy and seeing love pour out to him for his sacrifice.  I looked at pictures for the first time in almost five years.  To date I had not been able to bear even seeing a picture of my beautiful son; just so painfully hard.  I feel a small amount of progress to have done this for him.

I also had my mom and sister here to support me.  My sister brought red, blue and white flowers in his honor, mom made lunch and I made an apple pie from scratch in his honor.  This also help to fill in the spaces of time.

I have had two hard days afterward though.  It seems the day of I am busy and capable of keeping somewhat distracted even though my heart and body are screaming in pain.  The last two days I feel "hungover" (not from booze) and severely depressed.  Those of you who have jobs to go to - I really don't know how you do it.  My mind and body are "PTSD'd" .... well, I am more functional than even a year ago.....the birthday is very hard.

Now on the heel of his birthday - I have 04-06-11 looming over me....so I go from one devastating date to the other.

Spiritually I had a few things significant that happened.  I felt very "impressed" to give a perfectly good pair of his cowboy boots to someone and they were so appreciative.  It seemed to me that was Jeremy's birthday gift - to give to someone in need - just like him too.   So proud of you son.  There were many subtle things that I felt Jeremy close - nearby - watching over me.  His presence these days is like having one foot/toe in the door whilst busy somewhere else.

Five years .....I am so thankful to have the darkest hours behind me.  It would be easy to slip back into despair sometimes, but that is so intensely dark and scary I would never return.  I keep my eyes and ears open spiritually; I keep a thankful heart for many things remaining including my daughter and I keep my eyes on heaven and all the angels who help me every day.

Happy Birthday Son - I love you more today than I did yesterday and even the past moment.  I love you and am so thankful I get to be your mom.  So, so thankful for that!!!  I would go through all the darkness and pain again just to spend time and be your mom. 

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, USMC 03-09-85 - 04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

had a fleeting thought Monday.... I was thinking how nice it would be to receive some flowers from my son Jeremy for Valentines. Yesterday these lovely flowers showed up at my home with a note that says "thank you for your son's ultinmate sacrifice and service to our country". The note wasn't signed; there wasn't a name. I pray that the person who was impressed by generosity, love and gratitude for my son would know the depth of the meaning of this for me. I thank you so very much from my soul. xx

Memoirs with Jeremy

I think of you as soon as my eyes open in the mornings.   I search for you all night among the stars as I dream.  I keep a close look at every reflection and shadow in case I can catch a glimpse of you.  You are always on my mind and in my heart.   Always – even when my heart and mind are quite or busy – you are always – every second of every day – at the forefront of my life.

I have journaled my feelings; even my darkest of despair moments.  I have written of our spiritual journey and visits.  I have shared in hopes of helping others and yes – in hopes to find comfort for myself.

I want to keep your memory alive – I don’t want anyone to forget or not know of your sacrifice; our sacrifice.  It means too much that you gave your life for others to return home to theirs.  It was so selfless and I am proud to be your mom.

Our lives as we knew it – stopped abruptly; brutally even when we learned of your transition.  I already knew, of course, I felt your anxiety and you were with me in spirit.  I couldn’t sleep and was distraught with anxiety and prayed that it be me not you.  What a challenge this all has been – for you first and now for us forever on this earthly plane.

My dear and precious son I miss you more than words could ever reflect.   What I know is that it was your life to live and your choice to go and I have the upmost respect for that.  Would I change it if I could – yes and no.   For me to be selfish and have you home at all costs would be too costly for you and for me.  You could have never have lived with saving your life in exchange for others or the outcome to injurious.  You would have been distraught and unhappy which means that a part of you would have suffered physical death in one way or another.  And for me; seeing you suffer like I know you would; a larger part of me would be at your side as I am now.

I think any parent would feel the same and if they were honest about where they are today they would say that a large part of them died with their child too.  You are such a part of me spirit, soul and body that even though physically you are not here; we are still very much connected and always for eternity will be.  There is no breaking this kind of bond and I am so thankful for that.

I love you Jeremy – I will see you in our dreams.

Proud Mom of

Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC 03-09-85 – 04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

I have plunged forward trying to start over…..a new life; especially this past 24 months.  I have moved to a new town, purchased a new home, have added to my animal-family and own my business.  My mom lives with me for a year now.  I have new doctor/s, shopping locally, etc.  Everything is “new”.  I will use the catchy phrase of “new normal” as I reflect over the last few years.

I am now facing this catchy phrase I used over and over at the inception of the tragedy for me and my family – my son’s transition to the afterlife.

This catchy phrase served me well I suppose – giving me hope and helped me focus to move on….but what I will tell you as a mom that has had to live without her child – there is NOTHING normal about this.

It is all different, but it is not normal to be on earth without my son.  You hope to go back to some kind of normalcy; especially in your heart and mind.  You struggle to be cheerful and happy – carefree.  But it is not in the cards for me now – not like before. 

I have learned to integrate Jeremy’s transition into my life, I have learned how to push down fear and tears, I have learned to control myself in front of others and I smile and am polite when I am not up to the task.

I look at others while they are laughing and being so carefree and I have to admit; I envy that kind of light heartedness (knowing we all have our burdens) and I wish for that kind of joy and giddiness again. 

I have more “good” days now and am much more functional and have created a “safe” place for myself.   I do laugh and act silly again; it is just not with the same breezy glee and untroubled heartiness that was in my life sharing life with Jeremy.

I am looking at five years of absence in April and am facing Jeremy’s 31^st birthday in March…..holidays are brutal but these dates are beyond comparison to any other.  Five years and we have missed out on so much with him.

Good news is – I know he is in a much better place.  Sometimes I think how stressed he would be with all that is going on in our world today.  Jeremy did three tours in Iraq and one in Afghanistan and I can tell you he would not be pleased with choices and decisions made in our Great Country.  I asked him once about how he felt about fighting in the Middle East and he said that it was better to have the war there than in the U.S.   I have to believe he knew exactly what he was talking about.

I don’t share these thoughts to say that there is not hope and that there can’t be happy times again.  It has taken five years for me to see some happy times and I am more “content” with my life now than I was even three years ago.

What I am sharing is that it isn’t normal to go before your children and it is still my opinion that it isn’t acceptable.  It is all play on words or how you view them, but sometimes it helps me to understand that no matter what I do, where I go or who I am with…..there is a large part of me that is missing.

I had a “real dream” with Jeremy Friday night the 22^nd:  Jeremy came home and I was with him hugging him and I could do nothing but cry and cry – he was consoling me….I said to him “I died with you” and he said “I know, Mom”.  He was about to visit someone and I had much to share that was so hard for me to share with him before he visited; very devastating news for him.  It was a soul wrenching dream and you would think that I would be jumping up and down with happiness but it was so intense and so real – it was very much the opposite.  It has been a long time since I visited with him spiritually and what I have surmised is that it helped me to let go of some deep wounds caused by others and to grieve with him – it was sad but cleansing.  My pain from others I can lay down now.  You are still very protective of your children no matter where they are or how far from home they are.

I love you Jeremy – thank you for helping me to heal once again. 

Proud Mom of

SSgt. Jeremy D. Smith 03-09-85-04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

Reflection time.....I have been thinking about how my life has transformed and transpired over the last year.   I have a few friends that I am sure I have thoroughly confused.  For months I have had the mantra of how well I have been and am doing.  How I have progressed and have moved forward.  How I would love that they visit and we catch up and all is well.....I am doing fine.

Then the spiral downward.  Again.  I made it a lot further this time.  But the crash landing was harsh.

I have been so busy going forward and making progress; working on the new normal that I forgot about me.  I have for many months worked myself from morning until bedtime going to bed exhausted to wake up and start the routine over again.  Until the crash; again the landing was harsh.

I was doing so well that I convinced family and friends that my progress was almost painless.  Maybe a slight exaggeration but in the spirit of making a point - I fooled me too.

I couldn't keep the pace or the front because the impact of not letting myself grieve was too hard mentally and emotionally and it took its toll.  It is very confusing to people who try to be friends with you - the emotional rollercoaster is too much for them, usually.

Everyone one of us grieve in our own way.  Perhaps it was good for me to push so hard to make that new normal; honestly, I am not sure.  What I know is though it not so much a deception as it is denial.  That too familiar word again.

I am still facing denial.  It is still too hard to face the full reality of Jeremy not being here on earth with me.  Denial is still the buffer that helps me gradually callous over my pain to be able to go forward.

It is almost five years.  It seems forever yet like yesterday.  It seems surreal still.  So hard to grasp after five years of not being able to see him, hear his laugh - his essence.

So, after loosing a few friends to my mental and emotional decline.  I go a few steps backwards and am again - moving forward.

I forgive myself the decline and learn from my journey.  This is never acceptable; but it is how life is now.  I do wish to be that steadfast and brave Marine Mom because I want to bring honor to Jeremy's life and sacrifice - he taught me so much yet I was suppose to be the example.  He still amazes me to this day and I am sure forever.

I share this in hopes that you as a parent who is journeying with me on this very difficult road and tasks we face.......I thought that five years would be a major breakthrough and that I could pick up and go on.  This is me - of course - we are all different - but another set back was in the cards for me.

I took it pretty hard - was fairly harsh with myself - feeling as though I had lead friends on, etc.  But I share to say - it is just part of the process.  We all have our process and whatever that may be, whatever it takes ..however long it takes... it is truly OK.

Proud Mom of
SSGT. Jeremy D. Smith USMC 03-09-85-04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

I made it through Thanksgiving.  Holidays are so very challenging.  I spoke to a neighbor today - she lost her daughter 20 years ago - she spoke about how very hard it still is .....especially the holidays.

I believe it is a general consensus that you learn to cope with your grief; although the depth and breadth of the tragedy never leaves you.

I opted to be on my on Thanksgiving day.  I celebrated "with" Jeremy and just hung out at the house going through good memories and how much love I have for him and we have for each other.  This year I bought a already prepared Thanksgiving box of Turkey and sides - I consider this progress; actually a big step.  So far I have spent each holiday trying to not think about it being a holiday.  I have to say - "It was a good day with my son."

It is just a few months short of being five years since Jeremy's transition.  It doesn't seem possible.  In so many ways it doesn't seem real.  It comes in huge waves; but I now have reprieve from the heartbreak if I keep really busy.

I am somehow going into the Christmas spirit with peace.  I  feel Jeremy's love and support.....a peace that surpasses all understanding seems to be embracing me.  I am so thankful and grateful for the comfort.

I haven't had any ground breaking visions, dreams or spiritual visits to share, but I do know that Jeremy has one eye on me and one foot in the door at all times.  I always know and feel the connection.....I am very thankful.  I don't know where I would be without all the spiritual visits and spiritual conversations and support from my son and from God.

I am thankful for all this and more....my beautiful daughter and her family, my mom and siblings and that God has provided for me thus far.

In loving memory of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith 03-09-85-04-06-11 USMC

Memoirs with Jeremy

What a sad and tragic world we live in today.  There is so much crime and violence in our beautiful United States of America that I barely recognize it.  It is shameful.  My son died for this great nation to protect it and us and here we are today killing each other off over matters that could easily be resolved.  It is unrecognizable.   It saddens me to my very core.  My son fought to keep us safe - gave his life to keep his brothers in arms safe.....his family and friends. ..the country he loves.....he gave the ultimate gift and sacrifice.

I love you son.  I am proud of you.  So very proud.

To my son I hope I bring honor.  Veterans day was particularly hard this year.  We always were able to honor that day together.  It is lonely here on this earth without you.  I think of you every second of every day son.  I miss and love you more than life itself.

Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC 03-09-85 -04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

Been thinking about Jeremy so much of late.  Morning, noon and night......it is the first thing on my mind; with every breathe I take....it has been pretty intense. 

There have been lots of dreams with him and he is just on my mind and heart......in a good way......I mention it because it seems I had a drought concerning being in touch with him.  I feel his presence even now.

I believe I was the one causing the drought.  Being so caught up physically regarding his departure from our earthly plane.  I have been intense emotionally; missing him....wanting to turn back the hands of time.  Crying, not sleeping and asking why not me....why Jeremy.....I would so take his place.

I believe with all my heart that he has one eye and ear on me and is with me in a blink when I truly need him.  He has proven this over and over yet I still seem to have the propensity to forget myself (and him) spiritually and instead focus on the physical and lack there of.

I know as a parent you identify with just how truly, unconditionally you love your children.  You would die for them, sacrifice anything for them and go to the ends of the earth and jump off for them.  It is a hard and brutal call when they go before you.  There is just nothing you can do to make it better; half of you dies with them.

The thing, however; that pivots me forward is this spiritual journey I am on.  To know Jeremy lives on and is better off than any of us here on earth.....well, it brings comfort and hope.....hope and comfort. 

What I have learned is that I can't keep my head in a spiritual cloud and must live with the living again.....but yet keep my eyes and ears "heavenly" and Jeremy will always give me a sign ....that is he just around the corner.

I love you son....with every breathe I take, every thought I have and every beat of my heart.....I love you with my whole being.  I am honored to be your mom and am so thankful for the gift of being your mom and having shared some time here on the earth plane.  I love you Jeremy Daniel.

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC 03-09-85 - 04-06-11

Memoirs with Jeremy

I have been on a roller-coaster ride emotionally for the last six months.  I know I have made progress because I have somewhat of a normal routine now.  I am actually getting dressed most days.  I haven't really hit the anger mode about all this yet; although, it peeks its head up periodically.  I could never truly be angry with my son for choosing his way, but dang......it sure has "ruined" my life and has totally altered my daughters.  I am slowly accepting this.  When the totality of what has truly happened hit's me head on I feel like I am going into a dark place to never return.  However; I am capable of pushing it down; take deep breaths and push, push, push until I stabilize.  It is such a nightmare.

I am sad to say that I know there are so many, in fact, too many other parents who share this nightmare with me.  It is why I choose to blog these feelings.....some negative and others offered with more light.  I feel if I am not totally honest with what I go through that I wouldn't be able to actually help anyone and they benefit from my journals.

At the inception of this tragedy I looked for anything to cling to.  I searched for milestones.  I was desperate to know what was normal and what wasn't......I needed to find some type of thermometer to gauge myself to know that I wasn't losing my mind.  Somewhere in all of this I decided to record via blog.

I have had impressions of Jeremy and his transition.  Part of the reason I am not blogging more often is that I am not hearing from him as often as I was in the beginning. 

I have had dreams and visions and have had recently had these confirmed - Jeremy is very busy .... in fact, very-very busy with his tasks/chores that he has been assigned.  He still drops in on me.  When I am desperate I hear him say...."I am here, Mom".  I need that fairly regularly.  But......I know that I have to move forward.....and so does Jeremy.  We, as here on the earthly plane, have our separate lives and we do visit periodically.

I have seen him working.  It is of a military nature.  He is part of the Angel Warrior team....and I have sensed Archangel Michael with him.  I saw Jeremy as a leader (perhaps SSGT.) of his assigned team and again it was of military nature.....organizing and moving things around.....he was very much in charge.

Another time I was allowed to walk through a city - very beautiful city - with him.  It was full of white homes....glistening.  There were lots and lots of columns....very majestic.  There was a building that held records that we went into first and after I was allowed to walk through these columns to where he resides now.  I never saw into his home; it was more of a journey to his place....it was gorgeous.

The most important vision I have had has been how VERY happy he is....glowed with peace, contentment and love.  It was mesmerizing to see him so at peace and full of love and joy.

Jeremy has spoken of the colors in his dimension and how magnificently beautiful they are - more so than here.  He has often said there are no earthly words to describe the colors and beauty. 

He has spoken of the love.  He said the love there was so all encompassing and - again - there was no earthly words to describe the love that abounds in his realm.  I could feel the love emanating from him.....it was beautiful.  Full of love......and to say he is happy is so inadequately put.....he glowed.  He looked rested, healthy and peaceful.

I am so thankful for these visions.  I am so grateful for the visits....he has visited me and I have visited him and then there have been times we met in the middle.  One particular night we flew among the stars - we just hung out.  I have been amazed at how powerful he is in the Spirit.

I miss my son so much.  I look forward to being untied with him.  But, I would never ask him not to fulfill his destiny.  I have said that Jeremy knew he wasn't returning - I knew it too.  He gave his life for his brothers - there is no greater love - earthly love.  Now, he gets to reap the benefits.

I try not to be too needy - kind of fell short of the mark recently my grief unbearable.  But, dang, he was there spot on and sent so much love and reassurance and confirmed some private family matters that I needed to have confirmed.  He reiterated that I should definitely not feel any guilt about our life and our life choices.  I was pretty emotional regarding this visit so it was more about comforting me this round.  I was told I had survivor's guilt.  That makes sense.  In fact, it makes a lot of sense and helps me immeasurably to move forward.

During this visit with him he referred to Shayda (his sister) and how they played and prodded each other - OMGosh - they were brutal with each other but it was always filled with such love and laughter - and respect.  I heard him laughing referring to how child like they were even as adults "playing" with each other.  I so miss that - but it made me laugh too - it was if many of their moments together flashed in my minds eye and I got to relive it all again - it makes me smile now.

I love you Sonshine - thank you for all the great memories.  I look forward to another visit and hopefully the next one I will be stronger and we can get on to enlightening me instead of just comforting me.  I love you - and am so proud of you.

Proud Mom of Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith USMC 03-09-85 - 04-06-11

Memoirs With Jeremy

In some ways the last (almost) four years have sped by.  In others, I feel like I am trapped in "Ground Hog Day".  Every morning when I awaken I take a deep breathe and say "let's do this".  I make a choice every breathing moment to make the best of every day.  Some days that is zoning out and just watching movies or playing scrabble others it is participating in life and sometimes on a really good day I will interact with others.

I read a long time ago that when a mom has a child that passes before her that it takes at least four to five years to feel "human" again.  To feel life and want to live life.....find that new normal. It will be four years in April.....I have gone forward and I have and am still learning to integrate this tragedy into my waking moments.

My brain shut down at the inception of this very tragic event.  Literally shut down; I couldn't drive, cook and on a lot of days in the beginning even bathe.  Now I am back to my routine of daily requirements of cooking, eating and hygiene.   I do drive more than before but am still working on that one. 

In the beginning I would have white outs......just everything went stark blazing white and I could not see a thing and could not tell you how much time had lapsed....hence; no driving for me.  Then, when things got a little easier, I would only have black outs with time elapsing.  I have graduated to not having either the white or black outs but my short term memory is still on the blink some days.

I slept nearly two years of my life.  Only getting up to do the things that had to be done....my poor four-legged children would draw in close and keep me company and take care of me as I drifted into nothingness.

I sleep the normal amount of time now.....most days.   Although, I can feel in my body when I need to take a reprieve from life and just sleep......sleep.....where there is no pain and not one reminder of the absence of my beautiful son Jeremy.

Spiritually, I know he is with me.  I hear his voice when I listen.....a lot of the time I scramble my brain with senseless activity.....realizing now that the last two years (almost) has been a lot of the "white noise".....I am beginning to settle back into a life of no resistance and ease into the acknowledgement .....this is really true.....it is so.

So sleeping two years and white noise for almost two more ..... doing whatever it takes to get through the day.....well, actually minutes of each day to find the relief that is necessary to be able to participate in life again.

With that said, whoever wrote that it takes 4-5 years was absolutely correct; I have a feeling that new all to well.

I am still at the damnable "acceptance" ....... and struggling with the 9 steps or 100 steps to recovery.

Why?  I ask myself.  Well, because accept means:  go along with, agree, concede, concur affirm,   Acceptance: is a kind of approval....acceptable is a sort of fair, satisfactory and tolerable state.  I have run this through my brain so many times....some of the white noise if you well.

The opposite, of course, is resist/resistance which is obviously the fight, struggle, battle, refuse, contest balk and defy.  Which in the beginning you certainly do that ....very much do that....however; it is a shock mechanism in my opinion to help you slowly be able to move to the realization that .... it is so.

What I have learned is that the path of least resistance is the ease of life.   It is still unacceptable to me that this has happened to my son so beautiful and full of life and love, however; if I not resist that and move into the ease and gentle alignment with energy and Source then my body and mind will follow this alignment and I will find the balance of recovery and maintain a life of least resistance.

In the path of least resistance I have become more functional and am beginning to appreciate the gift of life again.   There are so many things to be thankful for and if I purposefully look for what remains then I can get through my day with much more ease.  I look for things that are light, love and peace.  In the mornings a simple yet gorgeous sunrise can cause me to smile and appreciate God's "artwork"....same for the sunsets.....  The voice of my daughter and grands bring me joy and love and peace every single day.  The symphony of song birds reminds me that life is beautiful.  I seek out things to be thankful for; I search my soul until I find that place of ease.....that place of peace.....the place of faith.  When I stay in touch with my personal Source then I find alignment with nature, love and harmony which brings me to the place of peace and contentment, an ease with life on earth. 

In the beginning of this new normal.....I put every foot in front of the other for my daughter and to be a brave and strong Marine Mom.......now ......today......most days.....I do it just for me.   I know that Jeremy would wish nothing but a good rest of my life for me......

In appreciation, love and honor for my sweet and beautiful son. 
Ssgt. Jeremy D. Smith, USMC

I love you Sonshine xxxxx